The Banta Blog

Who else was told to “dream big” or “shoot for the stars” growing up? Who else was encouraged to set big goals, and that even if you failed to reach them, you’d be better off for it? Even if not directly told this, many of us pick up this sentiment from the society and culture around us. But I’m not so sure this is as healthy as most make it out to be. Not because setting goals is problem (it’s most definitely one of the best ways to improve yourself and achieve great things). But because it ends up setting up an expectation that we reach those goals (even if they’re ambiguous, and even if we don’t ever stop to ask ourselves whether the results of those expectations are even meaningful to us). We start to buy into the expectations we hold for ourselves (or the expectations we perceive others as having for us) as being the path to a “successful” life.

But meeting expectations isn’t indicative of success at all, in my opinion. Expectations are just what we think should equal success. There’s an illusion that’s created in the should because it creates a gap between what is reality and what we want reality to be. And it mostly leads to feeling unworthy or disappointed or like a failure. In my own life, I’ve constantly battled with feeling like I wasn’t living up to the expectations I had for myself (which were almost always unrealistic) or not living up to the expectations that I thought others had for me (though I never really stopped to ask, and if I had, I bet most would say the didn’t even have any expectation for me, because why would they?). I was such a strong student academically and graduated at the top of my relatively small class, and I thought that meant I had to achieve amazingly great things and anything else would be a let-down, a waste of my potential. This was the expectation. This was also the illusion, because reality was that there wasn’t any reason or meaning to need to reach some level achievement.

Nobody had time to care what everyone else was achieving. They didn’t have any expectations of me, they were busy fulfilling their own internal expectations (as we all are). It’s freeing when you realize it. But yet I held on to and internalized these expectations, as I think many of us do. And it keeps us from the thing we should actually as our expectation, our goal: fulfillment and happiness or contentment. It leads so many of us to feel pressure to be perfect, to be unable to accept “failure” or mistakes or things just taking a little bit longer than we think they should (which is another illusion: that there is a timeline on how our lives should play out). It’s incredibly unhealthy for the psyche, and really ends up being counterproductive because we waste mental cycles worrying and striving in the wrong areas for the wrong things rather than simply living to the best of our abilities and following what makes us feel full. We end up substituting what we think will bring us happiness for what actually will, all to fulfill some expectation we think we have to fulfill to unlock the ability to go after what we truly want.

We get caught up looking for validation from external sources. We think that what matters is other people giving praise or approval or, internally, that accomplishing a goal will result in some big shift in how we view ourselves. But almost always, even when you do meet an expectation, and even when you do get external approval, shortly after the emptiness returns because what we chased wasn’t what actually fulfills us. The motivations were not for our own fulfillment, they were for the expectation. In many, myself included, it leads to anxiety and depression and a feeling of failure, even when we’re far from actually failing in many other areas (and often times, even in the area that we missed our expectation).

This has been one of the things that I’ve had the hardest time shifting in my mind. I’ve held on so long to expecting myself to be “great” (whatever that means) without realizing in many areas that I already am, despite the what I tell myself. It’s difficult to let go of what we expect of ourselves. It’s hard to give ourselves the grace and compassion to fall short and be OK with it, or to allow things to take the time that they are (which might be slower than we want). Even with this post, it’s hard to accept that it’s not going to be perfect, or even all that good, because I’m writing it under a time constraint. But it really is OK.

I’m not saying don’t set goals or don’t push ourselves to be better and do better, continuously. I think both of those things are important aspects of living the lives we truly want. But I think we need to be mindful of what reality actually is, and I think we need to focus less on the expected outcome and more on how we’re doing and feeling on the journey there. Set big goals, but also set small ones. And be OK with those goals when you set them if they’re taking longer than you think they will, and even be OK not reaching them. Set goals without expecting them to give you some outcome or feeling back. Set goals regardless of what you feel like is expected of you from the outside world, and don’t let those external expectations become your internal ones. Question what you’re chasing after and if it truly matters to you. Just remember, don’t let your heart and mind fall for the illusion of expectation.